Mar 3, 09 | Posted by: Sharyl Paley, M.D.

Grieving – a teenagers death

Our community has been rocked this week with the death of two freshman girls from North Shore schools. One girl suffered from a rare and very aggressive brain tumor while the other suffered from drug addiction. Two very different illnesses but with the same tragic ending. As a parent and a physician it is hard to come to grips with the loss of any child from any cause. It also demonstrates that sometimes no matter what we do we cannot always protect our children and prevent a bad outcome. We should learn from this to always be there for our children but not to smother them. Remember to tell them daily how much you love them- even when they do those things that might bug you. Always keep communication open. As our community and mostly our children go through this loss, this is essential. Be there when your children want to talk. You don’t have to have the answers- I am not sure anyone does- but be there to listen. If they are not ready to talk don’t push. Watch for changes in their behavior. If they change how they eat or sleep, stop caring about school or activities, reach out to the resources available. Call the school guidance counselor or your pediatrician. Let them talk about their feelings. Most importantly let them remember Laura Miller and Madison Kiefer.

We would like to offer some tips for helping your teen or child deal with their grief. We are hopeful for healing and positive remembrances.

How can you help your teen / child grieve?

Every child/teen will react to this loss in their own way. Pay attention of those differences – some will need quiet or private time, others will feel frustration or anger, and others will have a sense of helplessness. They may need reassurance that this is the normal part of grieving during these emotional times.
Listen. If you listen to your teen, often opportunities are provided to talk with your teens about grief and loss. This will help them to understand and accept their own thoughts and feelings and to know that grief will end and they will be OK. Also, know that it is okay to simply listen.
Questions will come up. Allow your teen to question. Often these questions are the same questions adults have but with more intensity and confusion. Talk with your teen about this and allow the questions.
Explain that it can take time to get over a loss. Give your teen time to adjust to the loss. Understand that they may not be ready to respond to a loss at the same time as you or others. Do not force your teen to grieve on your timetable.
Encourage them to be patient with themselves and with others.
Help them say goodbye and create remembrances. Be supportive of their need to spend time saying goodbye.
Set reasonable limits to your teens behavior at the same time as cutting them a break. Often when a loss occurs, behaviors become more dramatic. You may need to set limits, explaining the expectations for behavior, however those limits may need adjusting during this time.
Work to maintain a normal schedule. This provides a safe foundation for your teen, whose world just became shaken. This does not mean ignore or act as if nothing happened. It simple means, maintain the foundation that provides your teen with stability.
If you see a significant change in behavior, increased isolation, prolonged depression, call your doctor to discuss this. Professional help or grief counseling may be needed to help with this process.
Most of all, reassure your teen or child that you are there for them.

Here are more resources that may help during this time.

Books:

The Grieving Teen by Helen Fitzgerald
I Will Remember You: What to do When Someone You Love Dies – a Guidebook Through Grief For Teens by Laura Dower

Other Sites:

Helping Teens Who are Grieving

Helping Teens Cope with Death

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